I don’t like making new years resolutions because I usually ignore the fact that I made them two weeks into January. But, if someone forced me to come up with some “quality” resolutions, these are what I might recommend*:
- Be more political on Facebook. We have an election coming up, and even if your only news source is obamaistheantichrist.net or ifarepublicanwinsimmovingtocanada.blogspot.com, we desperately need to know your opinion.
- Join an exercise class and on the first day of that exercise class, take at least 365 photos. Then quit that exercise class, but continue to post photos of that exercise class every so often, just so people know that you’re committed. I recommend #crossfit365lyfe or #soulcycle4thasoul.
- Tell everyone that social media is lethal and post a lengthy paragraph (screenshot from your iPhone “Notes”) about how this year, you’re quitting Instagram. Don’t tell anyone when, though. Just keep everyone on their toes and accept the praise until all your fans forget that you were quitting in the first place.
- Read more books in public. Preferably the classics or philosophy genre. It will make you look smarter and more attractive.
- Talk about juice more. Everyone likes to hear that you drink juice, and the more you talk about it, the healthier you’ll feel.
- Refuse to stay in contact with anyone unless it’s through Tinder.
- Buy a puppy. You know you don’t have time for one, but who cares! They’re so friggin cute! If you want any friends this year, you better hit up your local shelter.
- Start a blog. Everyone’s doing it, so you should too.
*Okay, not really. Sort of. I was just really bored, so grandparents and other avid family Facebook users, ignore this one completely.